


Damage: Volume I

by MajorPidge (ScoracleTrash)



Series: Damage [1]
Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Grooming, Manipulation, creepiness, god forgive me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:34:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29063658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScoracleTrash/pseuds/MajorPidge
Summary: We all know Palpatine had sex. This is the story of that, for which no one asked. My God have mercy on my soul and on the souls of all that read this.This is mainly a drama about the handmaiden who falls in love with him, from her point of view. This volume covers from their first meeting to the end of Amidala’s first term.
Relationships: Rabe Tonsort/Sheev Palpatine
Series: Damage [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2132304
Comments: 16
Kudos: 34





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is cursed. There is Palpatine sex in this. I am warning you now so that you can run to the exit. If you’re actually into that, though, well, welcome to my candy store.

This is not the story of what it was like to be Queen Amidala’s handmaiden.

That has been recorded extensively, and has no need for me to add to it. Some parts of this may seem to be just that, but the fact that such parts exist is incidental to what this really is.

The story of how I died.

You would think the story of my death would be short, straightforward. But to truly explain it, I have to go back to when I was sixteen years old, drafted as a dressed-up child soldier into a political conflict, and the day when I met the man who would change, elevate, and ultimately destroy my life completely.

And I know what you’re thinking. Why spoil the ending on the first page? What incentive is there to continue to read?

Perhaps because I have the feeling that my story might do some good. Perhaps because I think it is an integral part of the rise of the Empire, one that might deserve not to be forgotten. And perhaps because I want someone, in particular, to know there was a woman who cared for him very much, as if he were her own son, and who selfishly wishes he would someday know exactly how far she went for him.

Of course, I’m not dead as I write this. But soon, I will be.

This is why.

Rabene Palpatine, 5 AFE


	2. Chapter 2

It was a day like any other. It was early on, before the invasion. We had begun to settle into the routine of being handmaidens, had begun to form bonds with one another. Eirtae was the one I was closest with. As the only blonde, she was another odd one out, like I was, with my Western accent and darker skin.

I was seated in my place in the throne room, in my golden robe, the one that nearly made it impossible to see anything in the top half of my field of vision without tilting my head back, when I felt the strangest sensation.

It was like lying down to sleep and suddenly realizing you had not fully sunk down into the mattress, and suddenly everything relaxes and you realize just how much tension was being held in every muscle. There was a sense of calm, of relief, that honestly startled me. I looked around my peripheral vision to see if anyone else might show signs of experiencing it, but everyone sat like statues.

The doors opened, and Sio Bibble entered with a man in a teal and black doublet, who bowed to the Queen.

“Your Majesty,” said Bibble, “Senator Sheev Palpatine.”

The Senator smiled, “It’s so good to finally meet you in the flesh, Your Majesty.”

The smile arrested me from the beginning. It reached his eyes and gave him the kindest appearance of any person I had ever seen. He looked at the Queen with a mixture of affection and pride, almost as if he were looking at his own granddaughter ascended to the throne.

He was, in fact, old enough to be grandfather to all of us. And yet there was a vitality to him that made his posture straight, made his footsteps spring, and showed a spark of true intelligence behind the kindness in his light eyes.

I lost my father shortly before I became a handmaiden. In hindsight, perhaps the lack of an authority figure in my life was a part of why I became an art forger at school, and did the things that made me easy for Captain Panaka to coerce into life as a handmaiden. I hadn’t realized the depth and breadth of that void until Senator Palpatine walked into the room.

And suddenly I felt an ache as if the grief was new again.

I did not hear another word of what was spoken in that meeting. I was too wrapped in my own thoughts, too confused as to why I suddenly felt the way I did, and Eirtae noticed my preoccupation when we returned to the Queen’s sitting room and I took a seat by the window in order to stare out into the gardens.

“Are you alright?” she asked me in a quiet voice after ten or so minutes.

I turned to her and said with complete honesty, “I don’t know.”

I didn’t want to talk. I had no clue what I would even say. Fortunately, she recognized my need to be as alone as I could possibly be sharing a bedroom and a sitting room with other girls.

Within a few days, the feeling faded back to normalcy.

I wouldn’t see Senator Palpatine again until after the invasion began. But every time the Queen spoke to him via holomessage, I found myself transfixed by him.

Eventually, Eirtae noticed and whispered to me in the dark of night,

“What is it with you and the Senator?”

“What?” I snapped, my head turning toward her sharply, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You get this look whenever the queen talks to him,” she said, “Almost like a smile, as much as you can smile without breaking your ‘handmaiden mask.’”

“I honestly don’t know,” I said, relaxing a little, “Is it that obvious?”

“I don’t think anyone else has noticed,” she said, “But I’m always on your right, and I make a point to notice you in case you sense something’s up.”

“I have no idea why he makes me feel so strange,” I said, “Every time I hear him speak, it’s like I could sink into a reverie and forget everything else that’s happening around me.”

Eirtae giggled a little.

“What?” I asked.

“I think you fancy him.”

“What?” I asked again, more emphatically, “Don’t be ridiculous. He’s old enough to have fathered my mother.”

“Do romantic feelings ever make sense, really?”

“Ugh, romantic? Stop it, Eirtae. I’ve never felt romantic feelings for anyone in my entire life. I don’t even know if I can. I’ve never had the slightest interest in anyone, male, female, otherwise, of any species.”

“And yet you can’t stop looking at him,” she teased.

“Stop it,” I turned red in the darkness and gritted my teeth, but my stomach and heart were fluttering.

“Well, think about it,” she said, “Maybe that’s not it. Maybe it is. Who knows?”

“Who knows?” I repeated.

And I stared at the ceiling in the dim.

Could that be it?

Was he even handsome? There was a regalness about him, about his high forehead and his sculpted nose, that made him look as if he had been handsome, almost ethereal, in his youth. But now? He wasn’t ugly, but what would a teenager find handsome about a man his age?

It was much more his demeanor, the way he held himself, the quiet confidence that radiated from him, the aura of sureness that never failed to make me feel calm, as if we were in good hands.

There was something in the way he moved and stood that made it seem like he, too, could spring to action at any instant, should the situation require it, just like the handmaidens had been trained to do.

I heard Eirtae’s breathing grow even, and allowed myself to roll over, bury my face in the pillow, and let out a quiet groan.

I did.

I fancied the Senator.

And there was nothing to do about it but hope it ran its course quickly.


	3. Chapter 3

I settled into it. Into the gritted teeth, the heated cheeks every time there was a meeting.

It hurt. Having what amounted to a massive crush on a man I couldn’t possibly attain, as a sixteen year old girl, was unbearable. Add to that the way my heart pulled at my chest for some sort of father figure, and, well, one night Eirtae came to find me when I was nowhere to be found after bedtime.

Pain always became rage to me. Rage seemed less passive, more powerful. But there was nothing to destroy and nowhere to destroy it, so I picked leaves from the kamelia bushes around one of the gazebos and sat inside, in the shadows thrown by the moons, ripping them into the smallest pieces I could manage.

“Rabe?” she asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I said as I turned from her. I tried to make it so there was no room on the bench beside me to sit upon, but she just took a seat across from me, face illuminated by the moon.

“What is it really?” 

I groaned and tossed the leaf fragments onto the ground.

“You were right.”

She nodded with the solemn understanding of the pain of love that only a fellow teenage girl could possess.

“Are you all right?”

“No,” I sighed as I leaned back against the stone wall and stared up at the gold-inlaid ceiling.

“Do you need to talk?”

“It’s just so stupid,” I said, tapping the back of my head against the stone once, “He’s old enough to be my grandfather. And he acts like a grandfather. He’s so gentle with the Queen, even when she takes an attitude with him, like he understands and respects her even when he thinks she’s making a mistake and I just…”

“Want someone to talk to you like that?”

“She’s the center of his attention,” I went on, closing my eyes, “He’s focused on nothing but her, no matter what. And I’m honestly jealous, even though I shouldn’t be. It makes me want to be her, want to be in her throne, be the one he’s focused on. I can’t explain why.”

“That sounds more like you really miss having a father figure than a crush,” she said.

“But that’s only part of it!” I groaned again, “I think about all the stupid crush-related things, too. I’ve actually thought about kissing him, Eirtae! I’ve imagined standing in this exact gazebo with him, and I’m disgusted with myself both physically and morally for wanting to dig my nails into a 60 year-old’s shoulder blades and for wanting a Senator when I’m a handmaiden and I should be focused entirely on my role and not on him, but I just can’t…”

“You can’t stop thinking about it,” she finished for me.

I nodded and turned my legs toward her. She came and sat beside me and put her hand on mine on the cool stone between us.

“It’s ok, you know. We’re all still human beings. We’re allowed to feel human things. We don’t have to be flawless little foot soldiers all the time.”

“I wish I believed that,” I said, “I feel like if I don’t focus on it constantly I’ll forget and make a mistake. And yet here’s this inescapable borderline lust creeping in. I’m damned if something happens while he’s on the holoprojector, I’ll have a reaction time like a Dagobah slug.”

She giggled a little at that. I let myself laugh for an instant, too.

“These things always come and go,” she said, “You probably won’t even feel like this six weeks from now.”

“Stars, I hope so,” I sighed, “I don’t like it. I don’t want it.”

“I know,” she squeezed my hand. We sat in silence for a moment before she said, “We should probably get back.”

I nodded, “We should. And I’m exhausted from feeling this all the time.”

“I’ll bet,” she said, “Come on. We can sneak some chocolate from the kitchens on the way.”

My face lit up, and I finally started thinking about something else, for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This isn’t my priority project so it’s only going to be updated periodically. Sex will eventually happen. It will not be underage, hence no underage tag. 
> 
> Occasionally I will include a suggested song at the end that I listened to while writing because I love to share my story and character playlists. 
> 
> Buckle up and settle in for a slow ride into geriatric tantric sex hell.


	4. Chapter 4

What can I possibly say about the invasion of Naboo that hasn’t been said already?

I can say that, by the time it happened, leaving Yane and Sache behind was like leaving behind two people of my own flesh and blood. I can say that there was acid in my mouth the entire time, from the moment the transmission cut until we landed on Coruscant. I can say I vomited in the refresher aboard the royal starship as we took off.

I had never been off the planet before.

And I can say that I instantly disliked the Jedi Knights, an unfortunate case of getting off on the wrong foot that would haunt me for years to come.

But how would you feel, if you were loyal to your sister the Queen, and two men with strange beliefs and clothing and weapons barged into your lives in the middle of a crisis and suddenly expected to be obeyed without question?

It was decided we would land on Tatooine, which couldn’t have been more the opposite of our home if someone had designed a planet to be so. It was decided who would go with the Jedi, with Padme insisting on accompanying them under the guise of exploring the planet for the queen.

I was emphatically against that, but no one asked me. In fact, the Jedi didn’t even want to take a handmaiden with them at all.

We waited. We waited overnight, through a sandstorm, huddled with each other, trying to keep our minds on something else, poor Sabe stuck in the Queen’s regalia.

I only slept about two hours, and so in the morning, when Panaka came out of the captain’s sleeping pod, I couldn’t control myself any longer.

I grabbed him by the tabard and shoved him against a door.

“Is this what you had in mind?” I asked him, louder than I should’ve.

“What?”

“Was this what you wanted? Does this fit into the plan you had, taking a bunch of children and drafting them into being bodyguards for a fourteen year-old queen? There’s a twelve year-old in a prison camp right now with no one to comfort her but another child, and the rest of us are stuck on this desolate rock with no one to help us but two self-important religious fanatics who left us out here defenseless. Did you picture a bunch of teenage girls in mortal peril when you created this little venture?”

“You’re all well-trained,” he said, “You’re soldiers, not children.”

“Child soldiers!” I was roaring at him now and I slammed him back again, “The sort of thing they have on barbaric outer rim hellholes like this one! Did the fact that this kind of thing could happen even enter your thick head?”

“Rabe,” it was Sabe, and she reached her hand toward me, but I shushed her and didn’t take my eyes from Panaka’s.

Finally, his posture slackened, and he looked defeated.

“No,” he said, “I had no idea something this serious would happen, and if I had foreseen it, I never would’ve involved any of you.”

I let go of him and stepped back with my chin tilted up, satisfied.

“But that doesn’t change the fact that we have to live through this now. Together.” He said it with conviction.

And then his eyes widened.

From where we stood almost inside the cockpit, he had seen something from the window.

I turned and saw it too.

And then the younger Jedi, Obi-Wan came barreling in and demanded we take off.

The black-robed thing that had appeared over the edge of the sand dune was attacking Qui Gon with a weapon like the Jedi’s but the blade was red. I felt sick to my stomach as a wave of something seemed to wash over the place I stood like the aftershock of an explosion. I had never sensed something so awful, and in the moment I felt like it was the absolute opposite of what I had felt when I met the Senator.

It was absolute, pure hatred.

And it was coming for all of us.

I had no idea what a Sith was on that day. In the years that followed, I would find out, and I would curse Panaka all over again for taking us out into a Galaxy where such things existed.

How we escaped, I have no idea. I hated the Jedi a little less for that, at least.

But the newfound appreciation for their skills was quickly replaced by an incredulousness that they had decided that the ideal course of action was to bring a child into the mix. He was adorable, and Padme was instantly protective of him, but our emergency mission seemed like the last place he should be. Especially given what had almost boarded us on Tatooine.

I slept even less from then until we landed on Coruscant. Eirtae tried to talk to me, but I didn’t say a word to her. I just stood in the cockpit and watched hyperspace streak by, speaking to no one except Panaka, to whom I merely whispered at one point, “Going to train children to fight those things next?”

I hadn’t had a private moment in weeks. When do you scream, when you’re never alone?

It’s not like I could’ve gone back to the school from which I had been rather unceremoniously ejected, but, well, that’s where we all should’ve been. Not where we were.

And as I huddled in the cold of space and tried to rest I reached into my robe for the thing that hung around my neck, my father’s wedding ring, and ran my thumb around its smooth Aurodium curve.

I tried to imagine what he would say were he beside me in that moment, but it was such a foreign idea that I couldn’t conjure up any words of comfort.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants some Grade A Gourmet Cursed Nonsense from your Auntie Pidge?

Now, I had faced my share of days following sleepless nights since I became a handmaiden. I was no stranger to going through the motions of my duties while my thoughts wandered and my mind whimpered in protest at being awake at all. I was even tired enough that I was completely disengaged from the fact that the Senator met us on the landing platform and was accompanying us to...wherever it was that we were going. I was tired enough that the instant I felt the familiar sigh in the air that was his presence, I relaxed and began to nod off standing on the platform, and I nearly lolled my head onto Eirtae’s shoulder in the speeder.

And then I walked through a door.

Something on the platform had smelled slightly familiar. A lush, green, fresh smell like a flowerless garden followed by an edge like someone was preparing spiced tea nearby. When we walked through the door, I was jarred to full awareness by the fact that it was filling my nose, inescapable now rather than a hint of passing scent.

We just kept walking. I kept walking. I went along with the procession, an eighth of a step out of line, as I caught up to the realization of where we were.

I was smelling cologne.

His cologne.

We were in his apartment.

It was not as opulent as I had assumed it would be. Indeed, while it was attractive and not at all low-end, it had a certain restraint that I found refreshing. He was truly a Naboo.

But oh, stars, I was in his apartment.

I looked out of the corner of my eye at Eirtae. She winked under her hood.

I wanted to be hit by a Mandalorian rifle and disintegrate where I stood.

I immediately busied myself with the Queen’s luggage.

I was just standing there stupidly with a piece of a gown folded over my arm, trying to remind myself what I was supposed to do with it, when Eirtae caught my eye and winked again. I was in the place where he lived. I began to feel an abject sort of horror at the realization that was coming over me, and it became particularly clear when he entered the room and immediately turned to me and asked,

“My dear, are you quite alright?”

And I opened my mouth and only a squeak came out. He just gave me an understanding smile.

“Coruscant can be overwhelming for a first-time visitor. Especially one from a world as serene as Naboo,” he placed his hand on my shoulder, oh, mercy, it was warm and his grip was firm and reassuring, “I felt similarly to you when I first arrived here.”

Then he turned to the Queen, to serious matters. 

I carefully laid the piece of gown over the back of a chair and smoothed it. Eirtae caught my eye again and repressed a giggle. I repressed one too. He put his hand on my shoulder. My girlish feelings were getting out of hand. But they were harmless, weren’t they?

I found myself wondering what he looked like when he was younger. There was a haughtiness to his profile even if it didn’t show in his face and eyes, like some ruler of some bygone great power. I imagined he must’ve looked strange as a youth, but beautiful, like some creature from some unknown part of the Galaxy. I stared at him in wonder. What was it about this man that had me so captivated? He was a Senator, yes, but there were thousands of Senators. 

He didn’t falter in the words he was speaking to the queen, but he noticed me staring, and his eyes flitted over to me for a brief moment and held mine for the breadth of a heartbeat. The slowest heartbeat I could remember. As if I was dying.

“Rabe,” asked the Queen, “Could you direct the kitchen droid to make us some tea?”

I nodded and disappeared from the room. Thank the stars, I thought.

It gave me a moment to collect myself. What was the matter with me? I had never felt this way before. It was unfamiliar and excruciating and I didn’t know then, but it wouldn’t go away. It was only growing. I was besotted, utterly besotted with a man I barely knew. 

Oh, hell and all that festered, I wondered, what is the matter with me, Senator? Can you tell me? Do you sense it? Do you know? Why am I so infatuated with you, when we’ve never even had a real, private conversation?

I was leaning against the wall of the hallway trying to get my bearings when he entered.

“It occurred to me you wouldn’t know where the kitchen is,” he said with a warm smile.

No, no, no. Go away. Go away from me, don’t stand this near me, can’t you see I’m not even able to breathe?

Nothing could have been worse.

“Oh, of course, how silly of me,” I said. I wondered if he could hear how hard it was for me to speak to him. 

He led me down the hallway and around a corner, through a door and into a well-appointed kitchen that was more sparse and industrial than the rest of the apartment, owing to its intention to be utilized primarily by servants or droids.

“This is Lex, my LEP,” he introduced me to a droid with long protrusions above its head like ears and a large, rounded middle tapering up to a slender neck.

“Pleased to meet you,” I said with a bow of my head.

“Likewise, miss,” the droid said, “How may I be of service?”

“Tea, if you please,” I said, “For seven.”

“Of course, miss.”

“Call me Rabe.”

“As you wish, Rabe.”

I smiled. “I like your droid,” I said.

“She is indispensable,” he said with a note of pride, “I would be lost without her. I grew up in a prominent family, waited on by droids at every turn. I’m afraid I’m not much of a self-sufficient man even though I’d like to be. There’s never seemed to be time to learn all the things normal people learn.”

“Everyone’s really normal, are they?” I asked, “You’re normal for the world you inhabit. I’m normal for the world I inhabit.” That sounded stupid, Rabe, I thought to myself. But then, it didn’t matter if I sounded stupid, did it? Because it wasn’t as if I had any shot of impressing the man and something coming of it.

“You don’t strike me as ordinary.”

My lips parted.

“I will deliver the tea when it is finished, Rabe,” the droid said, blessedly interrupting the moment, in which I had no idea what to say.

“Thank you,” I swallowed, my mouth and throat dry as Tatooine had been, “I’ll go back and see to the Queen.”

“She’s lucky, to have you to rely on,” he said.

“Privilege of the office I suppose,” I said, bowing my head, “Do excuse me, Senator.”

I wanted to bury my face in a pillow and scream. 

But we had other things to attend to.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to issue a TW for self harm (although it’s partially accidental)

“There are a lot of bad people out there, Rabene. But the worst are the ones who see suffering and don’t do a damn thing. And the second worst are the ones who see suffering and only extend lukewarm, token solutions.”

It was something my father said to me in the weeks before he died.

I watched the two worst kinds of people in the world, according to the way he taught me, at the Chancellor’s seat in the Senate building, react with either indifference or ineffectuality to my Queen’s words.

I dug my nails into my palms the whole time, refusing to shake with my rage, refusing to cry. 

After the devastating meeting, ending as all know with the vote to remove Valorum, I realized just how hard I had been clenching my fingers. I had broken and scraped the skin considerably for a self-inflicted, accidental wound.

In the hallways, the Queen spoke to Sabe while I excused myself to wash the bits of blood from my nails and hands.

When I emerged from the refresher, he was standing there with his hand out and his palm turned upward.

“Let me see,” he said. His tone was gentle, but at the same time, it was a tone that couldn’t be refused, like a parent who knows something broken is hiding behind a child’s back.

I hesitated once to give him one hand, but ultimately placed it palm up in his.

His skin was soft, like a well-bred and well-insulated person’s should be, but I could feel a callus or two that suggested some sort of hobby that required repetitive friction. The fingers of his other hand ran across the shallow wounds that curved like waning moons with the shapes of my fingernails. I hadn’t been touched like that since I was a child, and it was all I could do not to rip my hand away, or start crying. No one had been this tender with me in a long time, and worse, it almost felt like my blood was throwing itself against my skin in an effort to reach him.

“Oh, my dear,” he said, concern etching his face, “I know. I know. It’s infuriating, isn’t it? And we have to stay stoic in the face of it all. It’s our lot. The lives we chose.”

Not that I had much choice, I thought.

His brow twitched for a moment, showing a little confusion, almost as if he had heard the words inside my own mind.

“Have Lex treat it,” he said as he curled my fingers and patted them gently, “And then you should get some rest.”

With an almost doting smile, he turned and went back to our group.

I waited a moment before following and falling in step beside Sabe.

In the foyer of the Senate, there was all sorts of chatter, all sorts of furtive glances. Some obviously supported us, but the glares of the Trade Federation delegates and those that fell in step with them were also not at all disguised.

I held my hands inside my sleeves on the way back to his apartment, so no one else would see.

In his kitchen, my raw and broken skin felt the warmth as Lex gently touched the swab of bacta gel to my wounds. I winced and my fingers twitched into a curl.

“I’m sorry. I know it hurts.”

“It’s not so bad,” I said, “I think it just hit a nerve.”

She nodded as she moved on to the other hand.

Eirtae came in, leaning into the doorway.

“There you are. The Queen was wonder-what happened?”

“Accidental injury,” I said with a humorless laugh.

“Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” I said, “It’s just a couple of scratches.”

“I’ll tell the Queen you’ll be a minute,” she nodded, “She’s decided we’re going back to Naboo and wants you to change her hair.”

I blinked. “Go back?”

“Yes.”

“What are we going to do? We’ll be captured! They’ll force her to sign the treaty. There’s no way through the blockade!”

Eirtae shrugged, “She thinks we need to be with the people.”

“How can we help them if we’re in prison camps with them?”

She shrugged again, “I don’t know, but it’s what we’re doing.”

I groaned and leaned my head back. “The Senator isn’t going to like this. Neither are the Jedi.”

“You know her, she does what she thinks is right, no matter what anyone else says.”

I nodded, “I’ll be right there.”

She nodded back once, slapped the doorframe, and disappeared.

This is why we shouldn’t make 14 year-old girls eligible for election as monarch, I thought to myself as Lex applied the bacta.

What were we getting into now?

This was without a doubt the stupidest and most arrogant decision the Queen had made since her coronation, and she had made several, as any ruler is in danger of doing, especially an adolescent one.

Of course, I wasn’t just angry out of fear for all of our safety and the wellbeing of the planet.

First of all, I hadn’t slept properly in days, and I was dying to lie down and close my eyes somewhere that I felt safe. And I did feel safe there, in his space. The feeling I always felt around him was so powerful within those walls it was almost like being slightly intoxicated. Even Eirtae had mentioned it, when we were leaving for the Senate, how nice it felt to be inside, to feel cocooned from all the terrible things happening, to feel watched over.

But beyond that, I didn’t want to be away from him. The three tiny little slivers of interaction I had with him and sent my heart fluttering like its rhythm was all wrong. He had touched me twice, nothing but the most chaste and fatherly of touches, to the point that I felt wrong even thinking of him that way, but I did. I did, and I wanted to lay my head in the crook of his neck and smell his cologne and feel his arms wrap around me and kiss him and I was the worst handmaiden in the Galaxy, for thinking about such things in the middle of a war on my home planet.

I wanted to cry again. I wanted to throw myself at the Senator’s feet and beg him to reason with Amidala, to do anything but make us all go back there, even though I hated myself for being safe and sound while Yane and Sache were trapped and herded around by battle droids. I had no idea what...what would happen, what was happening, to Sache. Little Sache, who had burst into tears during one of our first blaster training sessions, and through those tears also tore apart a sparring dummy with desperate ferocity.

Instead of crying, I thanked Lex for her ministrations and took myself and my healing hands back into the sitting room so that I could fix the Queen’s hair. 

I suppose I was being a little sullen, a little rough with her. She asked me what the matter was.

I didn’t speak.

“Rabe?” she asked. She was genuinely worried.

“You’re going to get us all killed. Or worse.”

“I know what I’m doing, Rabe.”

“No you don’t,” I snapped, “None of us know what we’re doing. We’re all schoolgirls trying to act like public officials.”

“I was elected to lead,” she tilted her head up at the chin, “I’m going to do so.”

“Well someone else can do your hair,” I said as I dropped the hairbrush onto the low table in front of us, “I’m not.”

She seemed genuinely hurt.

“Ok,” she said in a quiet voice.

I sighed and picked up the hairbrush again, and began to gently work at a section of her hair.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m exhausted.”

“We all are,” she said, and then with total confidence, said, “It will be over soon.”

I didn’t share her confidence.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I should probably mention if you haven’t read Queen’s Peril you probably should or some things will be lost on you.

“Could you assist me with something?”

I started from an exhausted reverie staring out of the sitting room window.

Eirtae and I were the only other people in the room. The others were all eating in the dining room, but I had gone for some quiet, and Eirtae followed me out of concern.

After dinner, we would depart under the cover of darkness.

The night glittered like grains of sugar scattered across velvet. This planet was nothing like mine, but it was absolutely beautiful. I thought to myself, that when I was no longer a handmaiden, it would be a nice place to visit.

Maybe even live. After all, putting in my two years in service to the Royal House would virtually erase any blows to future opportunities my criminal record had made.

Maybe I could study music after all. Maybe on Coruscant.

I turned my head with more than a little reluctance from the scene and cast my eyes over to our host.

“Of course,” I said, managing a weak smile.

Eirtae silently slipped into the background of the room and disappeared back into the corridor that led to dinner.

I stepped forward to him and titled my head, waiting for a further request.

“All right,” he said with a smile, “Really I just wanted to check on you.”

As much as I didn’t want to, I blushed at that, and looked down, and when I looked back up, it was through my lashes.

“I’m fine, I promise,” I said, “You’re right, it’s infuriating. And I’m nervous about the Queen’s decision to go back. But I have hope. If you’re elected Chancellor, we won’t have anything to worry about any longer, will we?”

“Well, I have to be fair. If Naboo is ever in the wrong, I will have to side with the right. But this conflict is crystal clear to anyone who can truly see. I promise, I won’t allow something like this to happen again.”

I smiled again, unsure of what to say next.

“Are you certain you’re all right?” he asked, “You don’t have to go with them, you know.” He was a little hurried as he blurted, “None of you do. Anyone who wants to stay behind is welcome here.”

“I’m not just a hairdresser, Senator,” I said, “I swore an oath to protect Amidala and I will do so to the best of my ability. Wherever she may go, whatever she may do.”

His face changed. For the first time he looked rather hard.

“Be careful, my dear. Loyalty like that can be easily exploited.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat. “I don’t make a habit of being exploited, Senator.”

“No, I would imagine not,” he turned his head to see the space behind him out of the corner of his eye, “I suppose it’s nearly time to go then, isn’t it?”

I nodded, “After dessert, thankfully.”

His face became warm again as he turned back to me, “Lex is a wonderful cook. Please, go enjoy. I’ll see to the final preparations for your departure.”

I nodded and walked past him, returning to my seat at the table.

I wondered silently as I slid a spoon into a gelatinous sorbet if he had spoken to anyone else, besides the Queen and myself, in private or semi-private. It seemed like a silly question. Of course he had checked in on all of us. What reason would he have, to single me out?

An hour later I was looking over my shoulder at him one last time as we boarded our ship on a platform, wanting for some strange reason that I couldn’t fully explain, be it love or fear, to run to him, to beg him to keep us all from danger however he could.

And all my feelings of ease and safety vanished.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is what happens when you get paid to be available but you aren’t needed.

Surely by now you’ve read all accounts of the epic battle for the city of Theed, of Gungan heroism on the plains, of what came to pass on that fateful day. The heroism of young Anakin Skywalker, the death of a Jedi Master.

What could I add?

You’re tired of hearing of my fear, surely. My constant, overwhelming, trembling fear hidden behind a dead mouth and bagged eyes.

When it was all over, I unceremoniously collapsed on my bed and slept from early evening until the following afternoon.

I dreamt about battle. About Sache’s scars from the droids’ torture.

And I dreamt about him. About his hands.

It took a good three days for routine to return to normal, for us all to catch up on rest, and for our laughter to return.

Then suddenly, one night, Eirtae was humming quietly as she wove on her loom. 

Music returned to us.

We all began to sing together.

As soon as the Queen felt able, talk began of having a grand celebration in honor of the victory, our freedom, and our new alliance with the Gungans. The conclusion was that it was to be the grandest thing the city had ever seen, which would be no small feat for a place as known for beauty as Naboo. The Royal House worked with the Gungan leadership to plan it.

Honestly, I was a little upset at the terribly ugly grey robes that had been chosen for us to wear, but apparently it was an homage to a past victory, a past Royal House.

I could endure the grey robes for the ceremonies of the day, the parades and displays, because we were, for once, getting to dress differently from one another in the evening, and I hadn’t gotten a chance to dress like myself in months.

Naboo usually love things that flow and are richly embellished. I personally found myself gravitating toward more severe styles. The gown I had made by one of the palace couturier droids was long, black, and structured, trumpeting out around my feet and leaving my shoulders bare to contrast with its column and a pair of long black gloves. Over it, so that I wouldn’t look too austere for the occasion, was a black and red cape that reached to my elbows, with a raised collar, all done in beaded black lace over red satin. I swept my hair up in a knot that was elaborate except by Royal standards.

The other girls all wore beautiful things. Eirtae wore pale blue tulle gathered into beading at her shoulders. It set off her blonde hair. Sache was fully covered in billowing sleeves, to hide her scars.

Over dinner, we were simply girls, girls at our first formal dinner, like rich daughters being sent to etiquette courses. We even tried Gungan food, which I had never expected to be so delicious.

I felt terrible for the Queen, who had to sit and preside over everything like a statue. But it wasn’t too bad for her; Sabe promised to switch places with her after a bit of the dancing had passed.

The formal, ancient dances used for an occasion like this one were things we had all been taught when we were becoming handmaidens. Some of them, actually, we learned in grade school. Including a Western dance called the ‘Vora, that was fifth on the program. There was a program of dances, another old custom; we all had cards held to our wrists with white ribbons that listed the order of the evening.

Apart from my usual feeling of calm, I lost track of the newly inaugurated Chancellor that night quite a bit. He was, of course, in attendance, and was, of course, close to the queen and to the crew of girls we had recruited from among the populace to stand in our places beside her in long robes. Those of us enjoying the ball were still armed to the teeth under our gowns, of course. 

Just in case.

I didn’t know any of the dances but the ‘Vora, and so I politely refused any requests to dance from anyone passing by our little group in the corner of the ballroom, where we were sipping candied ice wine and giggling. Until someone else with a Western accent, a tall young man, asked me to dance it with him; after all, I wasn’t going to dance the only dance I knew with some Easterner who didn’t know the steps and tripped me up the entire time.

All those old dances are nothing like waltzes or the way we would’ve danced at concerts. They were formal and stiff, done in lines and circles, and the partners frequently parted and came back together, sometimes switching with other couples. It was more like slow, metered walking sometimes than it was like dancing.

We made pleasant conversation. Of course, I wasn’t allowed to tell him I was a handmaiden, so I made up a story about being a plasma magnate’s daughter who spent most of her time on Cantonica and Coruscant. We moved along the procession and lost each other as we were meant to do, and I felt my temporary new partner take my hand.

I couldn’t feel his hand through my glove, but somehow I knew his touch. I was bright red in my cheeks by the time I looked at him a split second later.

“I thought barely anyone who wasn’t Western knew the ‘Vora,” I said, my heart croaking in my throat.

“I represent the whole planet,” the Chancellor said with a smile, “I make a point to know the cultures of all its regions.”

He passed behind me and took my other hand as we took several steps forward.

“It’s very good of you to take the time to be here, with your newfound elevation.”

“I wasn’t going to let anything keep me from it. It was very important to me that I make it.”

My stoicism was nothing more and nothing less than a desperate attempt to keep from losing all composure and saying something utterly humiliating.

Blessedly, I was back with my original partner soon enough.

As soon as the dance ended, I excused myself. I didn’t even stop where the girls were to pick up my cape before going out into the gardens.

Into my gazebo, the only place I could ever be alone.

I paced among the stone. Oh, I felt awful. I had thought less about him in the past few weeks, but it was suddenly all crashing over me like a wave in a storm. Now I was back in as deep as I had ever been, and worse. Worse because I remembered our last encounter, and all the feelings of the invasion I had suppressed came flooding back as if they only felt safe to be felt when he was around, and suddenly I wanted to cry, cry as I had never let myself cry throughout the entire ordeal and after, as I had never cried before in my life.

“I would imagine you haven’t been alone in months.”

Oh no. It was his voice.

I put on a smile and turned to him. “It’s not so bad.”

“Come now,” he stepped forward, and, to my surprise, took my elbow and hand in his own hands, “You must be exhausted. There’s something unfair about all this. About expecting a 14 year-old to be a queen, about expecting other teenagers to guard her. You probably haven’t gotten to feel this normal since you became a handmaiden.”

He went down with me as my knees gave and I fell onto the bench.

I sobbed. I absolutely sobbed and he didn’t miss a beat as he pulled me close into his shoulder and wrapped his arms around me. It was the most intimately I had touched another human being since I had been at home, before school. It felt forbidden, it felt like I was breaking some monastic vow, to even be crying, let alone in someone else’s presence, much less into their shoulder.

“Oh, my poor dear,” he said with all the tenderness he had always shown the Queen, “I can hardly even imagine how hard all of this has been for you.”

I buried my face in his sleeve to keep the wounded animal noises I was making as quiet as I could. My whole body moved with every sound, my breath caught like hiccoughs in my throat and I tried, oh, I tried to speak at first, humiliated that I had let my guard down around someone I barely knew, but no words would come.

Gradually, however, in time with the way his hand pat against my back, my sobs grew quieter and less intense, and eventually I was able to pull away from him, dab my sopping eyes on my glove and say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. You’re probably not supposed to get that fabric wet.”

He took my face in his hands. “Rabene,” he said, “Please allow yourself to think your emotions are more important than a piece of clothing.”

The last of the crying cleared from me instantly, and I tilted my head.

“How did you know my name? My real name.”

He took his hands away and gave me a sheepish sort of look. “After our conversation on Coruscant I confess I did a little digging into you. You struck me as so...unlike the others.”

“Well, none of the others are juvenile delinquents,” I said, figuring he had already read that part of my file as well.

He smiled as if indulging a favorite child, “Now, it’s more unusual to have no record of misbehavior than it is to have one. I had my share of traffic violations in my youth.”

Traffic violations? The Chancellor? I laughed. It seemed like the sort of thing he was above. It seemed like there could’ve never been a world where a man this old and wise could’ve been young and less than perfectly behaved.

He laughed with me. “I mean it. If you saw the bills my father had to pay regarding speeder crashes from my school days, you’d feel much less bad about faking a couple of paintings.”

I made a face that I hoped he couldn’t read, but he almost smirked as he sat back slowly, giving me a look of pure satisfaction, as if he had deciphered some delightful secret.

“You don’t feel bad about faking paintings, do you? It’s alright,” he said, placing his hand on my upper arm and leaning near my ear so he could whisper, “I don’t feel bad about the tickets.”

My whole body broke out in goosebumps as if it remembered it was directly in front of the man it was obsessed with. I could almost feel my pupils dilated as if I had taken a drug, and I was certain he heard my breath hitch.

“Rabene, some people are not meant to obey all the traffic regulations,” he said with a pointed look, deep into my eyes.

I smiled. I knew I had been right to like him initially. But I never could’ve guessed the very picture of Naboo politics was something of a renegade.

“I want you to take this,” he said, reaching into his pocket and handing me a small data chip.

I tilted my head at him. “What is it?”

“Now you mustn’t lose it,” he went on as an answer to my question, “Because if you do, whoever has it may simply slip it into their communicator and be able to leave a message on my private line.”

My eyes grew so wide so fast that the muscles around them ached. “No no no,” I said, “Why? You’re making a mistake, I…”

“I know lightning trapped in a jar when I see it, Rabene,” he said, pressing the chip into my palm and folding my fingers over it, “Now I won’t say I will always get back to you immediately, but I will always get back to you. You need someone to show you the way to navigate the minefield of the next two years, or more, of your life. You need someone safe from whom you can seek a level head. Captain Panaka is...not the most insightful, the Queen has too much on her mind, and your fellow handmaidens are lacking in knowledge of the ways of the Galaxy,” he let go of my hand, “So please. If you ever need anything, I’m here. Let me be for you what my mentor once was for me.”

I swallowed a heavy lump in my throat and nodded, allowing myself to crack a giddy smile. “Of course. When you put it that way…” I slid the chip into my wrist comm, “Wow, of all people to have a direct line to the center of the Galaxy.”

“You have something worth noticing, Rabene,” he said, “Other people have and will continue to notice it, as well. You’re not an average person, my dear. That kind of spark needs a little extra nurturing.”

I blushed and giggled, tucking some errant hair behind my ear. Ugh, was this me trying to flirt? Just be happy you have a father figure now, Rabe, don’t look a gift bantha in the mouth.

He stood, patted my shoulder, and disappeared along the garden path back toward the palace.

I squealed and lay back on the bench, staring up at the ceiling and laughing through the remnants of tears on my face.

I didn’t know then that loving him without reciprocation was just going to hurt worse when I was close to him.

All I knew in that moment was that the man I admired and loved noticed me. Knew I existed. Thought I was worth his time.

And with that thought, it was as if all the fireworks in the sky were just for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of got to figure some things out from here so there may be a lull. Wasn’t expecting to just blow this up in like Two days.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We barrel ever closer to a precipice from which we cannot return, dear readers.

I guarded my wrist comm like it was a piece of the Crown Jewels. Everywhere I went, it went with me. I slept with it on. Even when I took a bath or a shower, it sat on the counter within my sight, the door locked against intruders.

Even so, I didn’t use my newly acquired line to the most powerful man in the Galaxy for some time.

It had been a month when I woke up to a message. Making an effort to be as quiet as possible, I went into our shared bathing room and turned the volume down as low as I could while still hearing it over the masking sound of the tap I had turned on.

“I imagine when you get this, it will be morning. How are you, Rabene? I’ve been wondering about you, as I haven’t heard from you. I hope that means all is well on Naboo! But please, don’t hesitate to use this. I gave it to you for a reason.”

I bit my lip and flushed a little. I hadn’t expected him to check up on me! He seemed to genuinely want to hear from me, and so I threw on some simple clothing, the basic garments we all wore under our robes, and went to the library down the hall, where no one would hear me send a message back. The doors were thick and heavy enough even the guards wouldn’t be any the wiser.

My heart was throbbing in my ears as I tried to think of what to say.

“Good morning! Is it morning? I haven’t the slightest clue what the time difference is, or if it’s even consistent, you know?” I giggled and wrinkled my nose. Oh, this was so awkward! “I’m doing well, things are quiet here. Ironing out trade agreements between other planets in the system, that sort of thing. I haven’t sent you anything because I don’t really know what to say. I mean, what do I have to say that could interest the Chancellor? What do I say? Hi there, I know you’re busy, yesterday I picked the lock on one of the kitchen cabinets and nicked some Alderaanean brandy. How’s Coruscant? You know?”

I clapped my palm to my forehead. Oh, I sounded so stupid! I could try to rerecord it. Yes, I’d do that. At least, I planned to do that, but the wrong button bumped by a finger meant that it sent itself instead. 

I let out a low, mortified groan and dragged myself back to mine and Eirtae’s room to start our day.

It was a fairly boring day. We spent most of the morning after breakfast in our sitting room. I sat and played a harp absentmindedly, plucking at the strings. I had been teaching myself, since the palace had so many instruments that simply weren’t in use but were well-maintained. The Queen was reading a book of poetry aloud to the other girls as I played.

My comm vibrated.

I excused myself to the refresher.

I was greeted by gentle laughter. “You can tell me absolutely anything you want to tell me. If it seems significant to you, that’s enough to garner my interest. Don’t think you can bother me; I’m very good at managing my time. Honestly, it’s nice to have something to look forward to outside of all the politics. Bureaucracy is a plague, my dear, and I’m constantly beset by endless chatter and talk of how things must be done that holds no interest for me in the face of what the best course of action actually would be. But you’re not interested in anything like that, I’m certain. Just, check in periodically, will you? Let me know you’re alright? I wonder about you. You were so distraught at the ball. I worry about you.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, you ridiculous…” I took a deep breath, the smile in my voice, “I’m fine. Really. There’s nothing to worry about. A good cry was exactly what I needed. Thank you for being there.”

I gnawed my lip for a moment, then continued.

“Honestly I’m sure your work is fascinating. It must also be extremely difficult. Some people seemed to like the way things were, even though they were ineffectual in the face of a crisis. I hope you can accomplish some real reform. I’d like to hear about it, if you ever need to unload it on someone outside the thick of it.”

I hesitated again, then said,

“This week is pretty boring. I’m learning the harp. I’m hoping to study music, after all this. I’d honestly like to be an opera singer.”

It still felt stupid, my rambling, but I sent it anyway.

Two days passed before I heard anything else, but on the day an ambassador was arriving from Karlinus, I awoke to,

“I feel as if I’m clearing sludge from the bottom of a trash compactor,” his voice was a tired sigh, “These halls and rooms are positively crawling with corruption. I don’t know how it’s gone on this long. It sits like corrosion on metal, eating away at the very foundations of our democracy. Why fate chose me to be the one to do this, I may never understand, but I take it very seriously.”

He went on, 

“I’d rather talk about opera than that, to be frank. What era of opera is your favorite? I’m partial to the ones from about a thousand years ago, myself. What voice type are you? Any dream roles? How is the harp study? Anything in particular you enjoy playing?”

I leaned back against the sink, a little taken aback.

The girls took an interest in me, I knew, because we were all peers and because we could relate to one another and we were all shoved together by circumstance.

But to have someone the Chancellor’s age take an interest in me?

Well, it was...it was extremely flattering.

It was foreign, a difficult thing to wrap my mind around. As much as it confused me, it still made me giggle. Even if there was no way in hell, and I was convinced it was the case, that a man like him would ever have romantic intentions toward a child like me, I was thrilled beyond measure that he cared about me. He wanted to talk to me. He asked me questions about the things that interested me. No boy from school had ever seemed so interested in me, in what mattered to me.

I jumped when someone knocked at the door.

“Rabe?” asked Yane, “Is everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” I said hurriedly, “Lost in thought is all. Be right out!”

“Ok!”

I let out a quiet little squeal.

I was worth his time.

It struck me as strange that I should be lucky enough to be worth, specifically, his time, but I didn’t find it all that odd that someone older, someone unusual, should find me interesting. After all, I had so many differences to the other girls. To so many other girls. I felt in some ways like it was only natural.

For all my edge, I was still naive.


	10. Chapter 10

“She drives me absolutely crazy!” I whispered into my comm with a tone that carried a jagged edge, “She’s so convinced she has that ‘childlike wisdom’ everyone goes on about.”

It was the middle of the night. I was on the lowest floor of the palace, in a closet that held cleaning equipment for the droids that maintained the polished and gleaming surfaces of the grandest rooms. But it was close enough to dawn that they had all gone back to their stations.

It was the first time we had spoken over comms in real time.

“The system is absolutely broken,” he said with sorrow in his voice, “Not every tradition is worth carrying on. Child monarchs have no place in this modern society.”

“And now she’s snubbed a planet that could’ve been an important trade source. We have no major industrial metal refineries, but of course, I’m speaking redundantly, you know that. We need durasteel, but she didn’t like the way the ambassador spoke to his droid, so,” I rolled my eyes, leaned against the wall, and blew air through my lips, “That’s out of the question.”

“She has no idea how to compromise,” he agreed, “I could try talking to her. See if I could move her a bit. We don’t talk as much, now that I’m Chancellor and she has a new Senator, but if I may say, the new Senator is a bit...well…”

“A bit too much of a wide-eyed idealist? Also too young? Too inexperienced?”

“All of the above,” he said with a sigh.

“The only consolation is that you’re in charge at the highest level,” I confessed, “So if either of them blunder into anything devastating, we have someone who can help mitigate the damage.”

“You’re unusually politically savvy for a girl your age,” he said, “I’m so glad someone understands the way I’ve always seen things. I have to hold my cards close on Coruscant, but you’re the kind of kindred mind I can be honest with.”

I giggled and tucked my hair behind my ear, “I’m just glad to have someone who listens. I don’t have any idea where the other girls fall politically. Just that they’re fiercely loyal to the Queen. Which I am, as well, don’t get me wrong. I’d die for her. But that doesn’t mean I agree with everything she does. She’s two years younger than I am and you’d think it was a generation between us.”

“That’s because you possess unusual maturity for your age, my dear. Maybe you should run for Queen.”

I laughed, a harsh barking sound, “Stars, no. I want to live a nice, normal life after this. Well, maybe not normal. I’d like to sing opera and stay far away from public service.”

“Pity.” There was something in his voice that trailed off into thought.

My comm chimed the hour as I had set it to, “Ugh, I have to go. The others will be up in half an hour, and it would be hard to explain why I’m in the supply cupboard by the throne room if any of them found me here.”

“And harder to explain why, exactly, you’re on the link with the Chancellor, I’m sure,” there was a laugh in his voice.

I giggled again, “Exactly.”

“Well, have a wonderful day, Rabene. And chin up. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you, sir. Goodnight.”

Our cupboard conversations continued weekly for some time, and then the unthinkable happened.

Eirtae heard me come back into our room.

“You’re up early,” she muttered, stretching with her eyes closed.

“Slept really well,” I said, sitting down on the edge of my bed.

She sat up and looked at me, tilting her head. “Where do you go?” she asked.

I blinked at her.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, “Go?”

She gave me a look, “Rabe, we share a room. Besides, I paid the night guard more than you pay him so he’d confirm you sneak out at night.”

I sighed and gave her the same look. “Really, Eirtae?”

“Hey, you can trust me,” she said, “Is it a boy?”

My eyes widened.

Was it?

It sort of was. I mean, I wouldn’t be having weekly conversations and sending countless messages to the Chancellor if I didn’t feel some kind of way about him.

And stars, it was getting worse and worse. I was getting anxious waiting to hear from him, twitching when my comm vibrated if I couldn’t check it immediately, seeking out ever more clever hiding spots where I could talk to him undisturbed, and faking intolerances to various spices to give myself an excuse to hide in the refresher and send replies.

Oh, what the hell.

“It is,” I said the half-truth.

She squealed. “Oh my word, who is it?”

“No one you know,” I lied.”

“Is it the guy you danced with? At the Peace Ball?”

My cheeks turned hot. Well, I had danced with him briefly, hadn’t I?

“It is! I knew it!” she said, pointing at me, “You sneaky little...It’s ok, I won’t tell. Though I don’t think any of the other girls would mind if you told them.”

“The fewer of us know I’m sneaking around, the better,” I said, “I’m mortified that even you know.”

“This is totally normal, Rabe. We all need breaks from being handmaidens all the time.”

I let myself fall sideways onto the bed and turned my face into the blankets, making a noise like a slowly creaking door.

She laughed.

“So does this mean you’re over fancying the Chancellor?”

I stopped making the noise.

“Ok, ok, it’s alright,” she said, “You can like two guys at once. Even if one of them is older than a hermit.”

I made the noise again.

“So what’s his name?”

I sat up at that, “I’m not telling you,” I said, “This is my private life we’re talking about here, and I don’t have to share it with you just because we share a room.”

She looked wounded. “I’m sorry. I was just curious. It can be hard to bear things like this alone, too. I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”

I softened and gave her a smile, “I understand,” I said, “And thank you. But this is...this is something I’d rather keep to myself for now.”

“Ok,” she nodded, “But just know. I’ll cover for you if you ever need me to.”

“Thank you,” I sighed in relief, “Honestly, though, I need to cut back.”

“Yeah?”

I giggled, “I just can’t stop wanting to hear the sound of his voice.”

“Can I ask what his voice is like?”

I laid back and let my smile broaden as I thought, “Hmm. It’s like...the surface of a lake. It’s so calm, so measured. Like nothing could ever ruffle him. He never seems to get angry, even when he has reason to.”

“Does he have an accent?”

“A Core accent,” I said, “Unusually, since he’s a Naboo. A very proper way of speaking. And soft, but not weak. It makes me…”

I shivered.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “He whispered in my ear at the ball and I thought I was going to die.”

There was a knock at the door. It was Sache saying, “Breakfast is here!”

“Well, again,” Eirtae said, “I’ll cover for you if I ever need to. We’re all going to have lives after this. Yours might as well have a little love in it.”

I smiled, but my heart sank.

He’d never love me. That wasn’t something men felt for girls, not the way I longed for him to feel it.

But at least I had this level of closeness to him. That would be enough.

Wouldn’t it?


	11. Chapter 11

It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. It would become a theme throughout the rest of my life, my inability to be satisfied with what I had, my need for more, especially where he was concerned.

On the nights we didn’t talk, I would lie awake looking at the ornamented ceiling, thinking the strangest things, things I wasn’t even sure where I had gotten the idea to think in the first place.

Things that scared me a little. Nothing like what would come, but things that would never even enter the head of most girls my age. Things I couldn’t tell anyone. How would that have gone?

What are you thinking about Rabe?

Oh, nothing, Eirtae, just imagining the Chancellor biting me so hard I bleed, how’s your tapestry coming?

Yeah, no.

It just got worse as time went on. Eventually it had been four months of weekly conversations and messages in between and I was beyond distracted from the things I was supposed to be doing.

One day, Amidala had had enough.

It was a routine firearm drill, but I had been up talking the night before, and was fixated on the fact that he had called me something he had never called me before, and it echoed in my head.

“Sweetest.”

“Ow!” I flew back into a partition on the range as the reduced-power blaster fire hit me in the gut and sent me flying.

Amidala’s face was stone as she ordered Panaka to leave us.

I was sitting on the ground getting my breath when she stood over me.

“Rabe,” she said, “Think very carefully about how you answer this question.”

I didn’t like her tone, so I set my face to be as hard as hers. Harder.

“What is going on with you?”

I stood and crossed my arms, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’re constantly exhausted. You don’t respond half of the time when someone talks to you. You miss breakfast, and now you can’t even get through a firearm drill when you’re the best shot we have.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“If you’re not going to be effective at your job, it certainly is my business,” she said, then softened her features, “We’re all worried about you, Rabe. And we all rely on each other. We’re only as strong as each one of us on our own.”

The weight of my selfishness hit me. Stars, I had been so utterly irresponsible! The tears started immediately, and I dropped my blaster and ran.

All of them called after me, and I ignored them all.

I blew past Panaka in the corridor, past droids on the training grounds, and went to the gazebo, where I curled up on the bench and began ripping leaves like I had when I had first begun to feel the way I felt for him.

I was alone for a long time. 

I heard footsteps and said into my own knees, which I was hugging to my chest by then, “Go away, Eirtae.”

When the footsteps came closer, I looked up.

Amidala was beautiful. She and I looked enough alike in the makeup, but she was far prettier than I was. Pain and exhaustion didn’t show in her face as readily as they showed in mine, for one. For another, she was just born looking like an angel.

“Please tell me what’s going on,” she said as she sat on the bench by my booted feet, “Eirtae refuses to break her confidence. I admire it, but it doesn’t help me help you.”

I sniffled a little with a bitter laugh.

“You can’t help me. I’ll fix the problem.”

She tilted her head, “How will you do that?”

I lifted up my wrist and spoke into my comm, “I can’t talk anymore,” I said with tears in my voice, “I’m sorry. I can’t talk to you again.” I sent it.

Her face knit with both confusion and concern.

“I don’t understand.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“I’m in love.”

“Is that all?” she laughed a little in her confusion.

I blinked at her.

“So you’re distracted by talking to the person you’re in love with.”

I nodded.

“Well, Rabe, if you didn’t hide it from all of us, we could all work around it a lot more easily.”

“That’s not the answer,” I said, “The only answer is for me not to talk to him at all.”

“Why is that?”

“Because,” I said, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. My heart is completely full. There’s no room for anything else. Nothing but him. And I love talking to him. The very sound of his voice just…”

“Why are you crying, then? Shouldn’t you be happy?”

She wasn’t that much younger than me, and yet I sometimes felt she was an entirely different generation from me. 

“Love is happy when you can be with someone,” I said, “When you have a place to send your feelings. When you just have to bottle them up and keep going on with your life without letting them out, it’s just...It’s torture, Padme. I hurt every time I see his face. Like I’ve lost something irreplaceable, but it’s worse because I never even had it in the first place.”

I turned a little, leaving a space beside me, and she hurried over to me, taking my arm in her hands.

“Oh, Rabe, that sounds awful,” she said, touching my braided hair where it had come loose and brushing it behind my ear, “If that’s what it’s like, I’m glad I’m not in love. Is it...I mean, maybe after the term? When you don’t have to be a handmaiden anymore?”

“He doesn’t love me,” I said, “And he doesn’t know I love him. He thinks we’re...it’s like he’s my uncle.”

She winced. “Oh no. Are you sure he feels that way? Maybe he’s just not good at expressing how he feels?”

I shook my head and dabbed my eye on my robe, “No. He’s not ever going to think of me sooner than you’d think of Bibble.”

She wrinkled her nose. I laughed through my tears, which cooled and dried on my cheeks.

“Can you tell me who he is? Maybe I could talk to him for you?”

“Your Majesty, please don’t try to fix this. This isn’t something you can solve with your Royal Voice. Please, just...let me deal with this on my own.”

“We’re a team,” she said, “A family. No one needs to deal with anything on their own.”

I gave her a smile at that.

“All the same,” I said, picking up a leaf, “I’d rather keep the details to myself. Wait for things to pass. Does that make sense? I mean, I’m only sixteen; it would be normal for this to be intense, but fleeting, right?”

“I suppose so,” she said, “Will you walk back with me? It’s chilly out here, you shouldn’t be out.”

I nodded and stood, drying my eyes again and blinking away the last of the tears, holding my head up high and putting up my hood so none of the guards we passed could see that I had been crying.

In our sitting room, I told the others the truth. Well, as much of the truth as I dared. That I was in love, that he didn’t love me, and that I had been talking to him constantly. That I was sorry for letting them all down, and that I would deal with the situation and wouldn’t be distracted any longer.

I never opened either of the two messages I received from him after that. 

That should’ve been the end of it.


	12. Chapter 12

Amidala had a difficult time with her monthly cycle. We regularly rotated who would take over for her on the days she was too exhausted and in too much pain to attend to her royal duties.

It was my turn, one day, two months before the next election, when I spoke to him again.

My eyes nearly left my head when Bibble said the Chancellor was calling. When he appeared as a hologram in front of me I gripped the throne with white knuckles.

I ached all over again. Months of repressed feelings wanted to vomit up from the depths, but I fought them.

“Even over hologram, you’re looking well, Your Majesty. That gown is resplendent.”

“Thank you, Chancellor. To what do I owe the pleasure of speaking with you?”

It felt like he must know. He had to know. I don’t know why, but it seemed completely unlike him not to know. I felt naked, exposed, as if it was painfully obvious, the way I spoke, the way I sat, the shape of my eyes. Not to mention my nerves.

But I did my duty.

I was the last to go to bed that night. I sat up in the sitting room in the dark, staring at my datapad, scrolling through the holonet in an effort to block out any emotion.

I received a written message to my personal box from an unknown sender just as I was going to put it down and go to bed.

“Please Open.”

Everything in me was screaming not to. The likelihood that it would infect my, admittedly well-encrypted device with something was high.

I opened it anyway.

“My dear Rabene,

I am not entirely certain what I did to offend you last year. The thought that I said or did something to harm you has left me preoccupied in almost every spare moment I’ve had since then. If my attempts to reach out to you did any damage rather than helped you, as I had hoped, I am truly sorry. I hesitated even to send this, but you looked so distraught today, even hiding behind the Queen’s face, that I had to say something. I truly do worry about you, sweetest.”

I knew he knew.

I blew air through my closed lips. I should ignore this, too. 

At the same time…

At the same time, it was only two months until what could be the end of my career as a handmaiden. 

Oh, Rabe, what are you thinking? He doesn’t want you. You’re 18. He’s...however old he is. Delete the message and go back to your duties.

I almost did.

Instead, I began typing.

“Sir,

You never offended me. I promise you that. You have never done a thing to harm me. I would consider you incapable of such a thing. The truth is, I was spending too much time and energy speaking with you, and I was starting to neglect my duties to the Queen. I feel as if I must devote myself to her fully according to the oath I took, and I found you too distracting in order to honor both my oath and my desire to be close to you. I still feel this way.”

I hesitated.

“However, should the election not turn out in our favor, I want you to know that I will be available then, to resume our correspondence.”

I leaned my head back and made my creaking door noise when I read his reply.

“Rabene,

I understand perfectly. It’s a relief to know you’re well. I also understand all too well the feeling of being distracted by pleasant conversation. Best of luck to Amidala, though for my own purposes I would prefer she lose, if you understand me.

And please, call me Sheev.”

“What are you saying, Sheev?”

“Whatever it is, it will have to wait until after the election, won’t it?”

“Yes. Yes, I suppose so.”

“Goodnight, sweetest.”

“Good morning, Sheev.”

I put away my datapad and giggled, tucking my hair behind my ear.

Did this mean...did it mean what I thought it meant?

I had no idea. Oh stars it was going to be painful, not knowing. Would it be worth it?

I would have to wait two months, I supposed, to see if I could be told the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna change up how I structure the series and end this on the next chapter. Volume II will skip to after Amidala’s second term and cover until the beginning of the Clone Wars. 
> 
> Which means the next chapter is where we drive off the cliff in this pornographic Prius.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is your last warning. 
> 
> Palpatine sex ahead.

Of course, Amidala won.

I celebrated outwardly, but inside I was devastated. 

As all monarchs are, just in case of a loss, we were sequestered at a lake house. 

I had become a woman in my years as a handmaiden. At least, in the eyes of the law. I was still a child within, but I felt myself a woman, and conducted myself as one, and had a new sense of confidence even if my heart was breaking at the idea of two more years passing before I could tell Sheev how I felt.

And I had resolved, at the end of my tenure, to tell him how I felt.

We had not expected a visit from the most illustrious man in the Galaxy on that night, but he had, in fact, been in Theed for the election, and came to congratulate the Queen.

I avoided his eyes, my heart feeling like a funeral was taking place. A funeral for what he could’ve told me, had I been a free woman.

After we all went to bed, I stepped out to go sit on the shore of the lake and think. And probably cry.

But midway down the hallway that led to the stairs, I felt a hand clap over my mouth in the near-darkness, heard a “Shh,” and found myself pulled into a doorway.

I realized it was him in just enough time to repress my training and keep me from attacking him.

“You’re still here?” I asked as he shut the door behind us.

“I am,” he said, his eyes glinting “Engineered a little problem with the transport. I had to speak to you.”

My cheeks warmed. “Sheev, you can’t, I-”

“I know,” he said, “And I won’t bother you. But so much can happen in two years, Rabene, and I couldn’t possibly forgive myself if I didn’t tell you that…”

My heart was striking my breastbone like a hammer and I could feel my skin tightening into goosebumps.

“Didn’t tell me what?”

He looked at a loss for words. He started to speak once, then twice, then turned away and took a step, then turned back, then gripped my elbows.

And then he kissed me.

He. Kissed me.

I felt two years of hunger rise in my throat and direct my hands to cling to his upper arms with a desperation that shocked even me, and I melted into him and let him do whatever he liked, let him lead the way, and I whimpered in protest when he pulled away and turned his head to the side.

“No,” he said, “I can’t. My heart can’t take it.”

I reached for his hand. He placed his other hand over mine.

“Sweetest girl,” he said with sorrow in his eyes, “I adore you. I always have. I’ve fought so hard against these feelings that have grown as you have grown into a woman. This is all I’ve wanted for years, but child, you can’t. You could never be happy with an old man like me. I could never keep up with you, and besides, there are hundreds of fine young men out there more worthy of your youth and life.”

He wanted me. But, oh, he seemed so sad, and I felt a sense of panic at his determination to keep from acting further on both our feelings.

“Sheev,” I pleaded, “Listen. I don’t want anyone but you. I’ve thought of you constantly since the moment I met you. I could never be satisfied with someone else after admiring you for so long.”

He turned his face back to me with a glimmer of hope in his eyes before turning away again.

“No,” he said, “It’s not that I don’t believe you truly think you could love me for the rest of my life, but you couldn’t. Through no fault of your own, simply through the necessity of age, you would break my old heart, and I’d never recover from it. I could never survive it if you left me.”

“I won’t,” I squeezed the hand beneath mine, “I could never. Sheev, I’m devoted to you. I have been from afar since before you chose to give me special attention. I swear on my life, Sheev, I could never betray you or break your heart.”

He pulled me close, sighing deeply, “Oh, child, I have no choice but to trust you. It would kill me to lose you, but it will kill me even more if I don’t have you at my side for as long as I can.”

“You’ll have me forever,” I whispered the promise.

He pulled away from me and laced his fingers into mine, drawing my hand to his lips and kissing each of my fingers. There was something in his eyes I had never seen before, something dark, even devious, as his lips trailed across the skin.

“Then shall we seal this promise, forever?”

“What did you have in mind?” I whispered.

“Oh, my sweetest little girl,” he said darkly, “More than could ever fit in one night.”

He kissed me again.

(Note added by Bail Organa - do not read this section. I will summarize the rest of this installment for you.)

His hands, his strangely elegant hands went to the clasp of my robe and slid the long Aurodium tine from its place entwined in jeweled knots. It fell from my shoulders and brow with a rustling sound. 

“Forgive me, Rabene, for desiring you even when you were still young. I curse the thought now, that you’re grown, but you were always more than those around you.”

“Don’t speak of it now,” I whispered as I ran my hand over his temple and into his hair, “I forgive you. I wanted you, too. I want you now.”

“Whatever can you see in an old man like me?”

“As many unexpected things as you see in me, I imagine.”

He kissed me again, my whole body rising up to meet him. His kiss was perfect, almost practiced, passionate and warm. He held me in his arms and I trembled. 

“Don’t be afraid of me,” he whispered, “I won’t hurt you. Not unless you ask me to.” He smirked. 

“You’d hurt me, if I asked you to?” I repressed another shiver at that idea, thinking back to the dark thoughts that had wandered in and out of my sleepless nights. 

“A girl as singular as you, you’d ask me to, wouldn’t you?” He wound an errant lock of hair around his finger. 

My eyes fluttered closed and open again as my knees dipped, “I would. I don’t want you as you are before the Senate. I want whatever crashed speeders and racked up bills.”

“And you’ll have it, sweetest,” he took my face in his hands. 

He led me to his bed, gathering the voluminous expanse of my gown and pulling it over my head. Suddenly I was in front of him in the underdress I had only worn before Eirtae before. 

He shrugged off his own robe

Beneath his undergarments was a body that actually shocked me. He had not neglected his form in his age. He was lean, and wiry, each limb taut with that same sense of barely repressed need to spring into motion. Like a predator waiting to strike. 

We clawed at each other blindly while kissing, and eventually we were naked in each other’s gazes. 

“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he whispered with something like awe in his voice. 

“Stop talking,” I whispered, growing ever more desperate. 

He gave me a wicked grin. 

He laid me down, and his hands ran over me in long strokes, from shoulders to hips, sending me into shivers and making me sigh and whimper. 

“Two years is torture,” he said quietly, “I want to memorize you first.”

And then something strange happened. 

At the exact instant that I thought to myself, I wish he would whisper in my ear, he leaned down and said, in that voice that brooked no refusal,

“Tell me what you’ve been thinking about.”

My hips arched up into his. 

“I don’t even know,” I laughed softly, “I don’t know much, honestly.”

I thought for an instant about my fantasies of pain, and a hair’s breadth of time later, he asked,

“Would you like me to hurt you?”

I moaned softly and nodded, running my fingers through his hair. 

He bit down hard on my neck. I cried out and gripped the back of his.

A dark laugh escaped his throat. 

“I thought you might be that kind of girl. How fortunate.”

“You like it too?” I asked breathlessly. 

“I like giving it.”

“I thought I was some kind of freak,” I said, “Lying awake at night, thinking about it. About you.”

“Oh, I’ve done the very same thing.” He sighed it, laying his head on my sternum and snaking his hand between my legs, “I’ve thought about this, too.”

Stars. I saw stars. 

Nothing else existed while he was inside of me. Just need and lust building and building and finally bursting open like a dying star, his mouth on mine, swallowing my shrieks and screams. 

I lay across his chest afterword, both of us panting, his fingers flitting through my hair. 

“Tell me I’m the only one. The only one, forever.” He whispered it with his exhalations. 

I gripped his torso and nodded, tears in my eyes. “The only one,” my voice echoed, “Forever.”

It was the first of many of the most intimate moments of my life.

He held me as I cried through the comedown from the crescendo of two years of aching, excruciating need. I cried for the past, in gratitude for the moment, in fear of the pain of the next two years. 

He kissed my eyelashes and sat up, pulling me into his lap to take me again. I clawed at his shoulders as we rocked against one another, a broken wreck. 

“I love you,” he whispered against my hair. 

“I love you, too.”

I had never felt so exhausted. 

If I had not loved him before, I would’ve been unable to resist after that night.

It was with the greatest reluctance that I returned to my room some hours later, before dawn.

We made the promise to wait for the next two years. To love each other from afar until I had fulfilled my oath.

The last thing he did before kissing me goodbye was twist a small lock of my hair around his finger, produce a knife from within his coat, and take it for himself. He kissed it softly before placing it in his pocket. It was the most romantic thing I had ever seen anyone do.

With me he left an Aurodium coin set in a bezel on a chain. It went immediately around my neck and beneath my clothes, with my father’s wedding ring.

I belonged to someone. To him. It was a feeling of pure bliss. I had pined for him for years, loved him since I was a child, and finally I was able to call myself his lover.

I told no one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Volume I.


End file.
